LittleKittyLionheart

Disclaimer: This is gonna be long! There is a lot to update...

I can't believe it’s 10 years to the day (6th November 2011) since I created this account here on DeviantArt! That's just... Crazy!

I signed up impulsively after years of just browsing around now and then at Sonic the Hedgehog and Disney fanart. It was super mesmerising to see so much dedication to fandoms that weren't getting talked about at all where I was living in the real world. One of the few positives about the internet is keeping fandoms alive and creating little communities!

So, I joined deviantArt at 13 years old after taking art seriously for about a year and was drawing non-stop that whole time. During that point in my life, I was extremely lonely and felt pretty invisible; no one was taking much notice of me or my passions and whilst it didn't deter me from drawing, it definitely left me feeling a little hollow. DeviantArt was a very welcoming place back then and as soon as I joined, I made lots of friends, especially in the Sonic community! Some have deactivated or disappeared since then, but quite a handful are still here, still active, and I still treasure you all very much

I know I've been on a hiatus for coming up 3 years with no real explanation. It was never my intention to be inactive on here for so long, but... I've really needed some time to get my life back together. To start with, deviantArt really was a little safe space for me, it felt good to belong somewhere and finally be able to talk to people with shared interests and hobbies, yet... It didn't "fix" me. I still couldn't shake off this hollow feeling inside my chest, of feeling like I was an inadequate outcast and always would be. I would often openly insult my own art as a coping mechanism (even though looking back I see it was pretty good for my age and skillset!) and have random moments of distrust for my new friends on here and as a result, would sometimes act very coldly out of nowhere. Now, of course, I see the bigger picture. I was a young teen barely functioning on layers of trauma.

Without divulging into too much detail, very traumatic events have followed me for as long as I can remember. From damaging toxicity within my own family to equally toxic fake friends and much, much worse. When I hit my late teens and it wasn't compulsory to go to school anymore, I almost completely isolated myself from the rest of society, collapsed into bed and hid there most of the time for about 5 years. I had periods of time where I tried to push the dark mentality aside and draw, but it was for all the wrong reasons. My main focus was now "upload schedules" and "what will get me most noticed as an artist?" Which became very unhealthy and because of my poor mental state already, I just couldn't keep that up. DeviantArt also felt completely different from when I first joined, which didn't help. What was once a warm, welcoming place that was very easy to make friends in, became a ghost town you wondered around in all by yourself. My uploads became more and more sporadic until... I was still drawing, but I didn't upload anything at all.

In January 2020, after nearly 5 years of hiding away in bed, barely leaving the house, I decided enough was enough. It was a new decade and I wasn't going to waste any more time being unwell. So, I fixed my sleeping schedule and began eating properly as a result and lots of other things slowly fell into place. There was a lot of mental resistance, but I succeeded until now, somehow! I don't use oversleeping as a coping mechanism anymore! Even through the pandemic, I've been completely dedicated to getting my life back on track. However, there's still a lot more work for me to do before I feel healthy enough to put myself out there again.

From an artistic perspective, I'd been unhappy with my art for quite some time. Way back in the very beginning of my artistic journey at 12 years old - with hindsight on my side - I can see now that I made vast improvements in a short period of time, but got complacent in spite of my achievements and, foolishly, relied on references less and less. Before I knew it, art became a difficult chore if I wanted to draw something extravagant, or a downright bore if I went back to my comfort zone of 3/4 headshots, of which were the only things I managed to "master", and even those drawings were a far-cry from being at a professional level.

In late summer this year, after not drawing at all for almost a whole year, I got to the point where a refresh was my final option; a chance to pull things right back to the basics and learn from the ground up, achieving all the little things that I previously rushed past in blind arrogance. And as of August, that's exactly what I've been doing! It's a private journey, but that means there's less pressure on me and so I can perform better and improve at my own pace.

Very long story short: I have every intention of coming back here one day... I just don't know when. But that's okay! This modern world is so obsessed with oversharing and constant content, but it's getting more and more obvious that living in that way is terrible for your mental health; which is something I've been struggling with enough already!!

Most people would abandon this ancient account and start afresh, but I'm quite attached to this little corner of the internet. Sure, right now, with nothing new, it feels like a ghost of the past, but I have plans up my sleeve for a face-lift around here, don't you worry! I attempted to do that a few years ago, but didn't finish it all. Yes, I purged a lot of stuff, but only in terms of online uploads. I'm not a materialistic person by any means, but I near-always keep every piece of artwork I make! It's just, I want to strike a balance here on deviantArt of publicly archiving my journey, but also not just be cringe fest showcase of my young teenager self, haha. Like I said, I'll get there eventually!

Finally, I just want to address all the people who have stuck around since those old days (even if it is on a new account ): ambieboo, brokenheart345, ReaperWorks, TheGuccii, Feral-Spirit, AshBleuu, I know we may not talk as often as before, but I’m glad you’re all still here!!

Also, if it wasn’t for dA, I wouldn’t have met my darling: Kyoriichi!!

I'm not sure when you'll next get an update from me, but just know I'm working hard daily to improve not just my art, but my long-suffering mental health. I can't pin a date on it, as these things take time.

But I promise I'll be back as soon as I can!!

Kitty xx